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The Brentford Mercury

The Phoartean Times

based on an idea by Michael Carroll

by James Shields


Life, but not as we know it

Life, but not as we know it

Scientists recently announced the discovery of a rock which indicates that a primitive form of life may once have existed in the remote area of Shrewsbury. The area has, of course, been totally uninhabitable to all forms of life since the arrival of Jeremy Beadle several million years ago.

However, the newly discovered rock, which seems to have been dislodged from the surface of Shrewsbury during a period of intense meteoric activity, contains fossil evidence that microscopic bacteria-like lifeforms inhabited the area tens of millions of years ago. These lifeforms were probably among the lowest orders of life, perhaps somewhere between journalists and politicians.

Although it is impossible for humans to visit Shrewsbury, scientists have been able to confirm the authenticity of the rock sample by comparing it to photographic data sent back from a number of unmanned probes which landed on the surface of Shrewsbury during the 1970s.

Not everyone is convinced. “The evidence is purely circumstantial,” sceptic John Griffins told our reporter. “All of the phenomena can occur naturally. I have seen nothing that will convince me that life has ever existed in Shrewsbury. After all, have you ever met anyone from Shrewsbury?”

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