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Specially for Hugh and Kelly
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Captain Fantastic


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Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 302
Location: Essex
Display Name: Ian
PostPosted: Sun Jul 02, 2006 3:28 pm    Post subject: Specially for Hugh and Kelly Reply with quote

Tiddles, Kell's cat, isn't well and Hugh is on pill giving duties so being the helpfull person I am here is some guidance.....

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side to repair later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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Gaz


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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
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Location: North East England
Display Name: Gaz
PostPosted: Sun Jul 02, 2006 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's funny coz it's true! Thumbs Up

Big hugs to Tiddles and Kelz though - hope all is OK.

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Katkin


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Joined: 11 Apr 2006
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Location: Hemel Hempstead
PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 4:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's cats for you..... Laughing
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Stacey


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Joined: 21 Mar 2006
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Location: South Shields
Display Name: Stacey
PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 8:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing

I'm laughing at the thought of anyone holding that fat cat in one arm!!!! Very Happy
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Lady Clara


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Joined: 20 Mar 2006
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Location: Middle England
PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 8:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hope Kellys pussy get better soon!
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Gaz


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady Clara wrote:
Hope Kellys pussy get better soon!


You know, I actually typed that myself in my post, then thought better of it. Grin

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Lady Clara


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gaz wrote:


You know, I actually typed that myself in my post, then thought better of it. Grin


Question

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Lady Clara


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*realisation slowly dawns*

Exclamation


oooopps

Laughing Laughing

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Gaz


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I actually put "Please tell Kelly that I hope her pussy is feeling better soon".

Not quite the same, but open to the same misinterpretation.

Anyway, I've met Tiddles and she's gorgeous, so I hope she's much better soon.

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Boggwoppit


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Joined: 14 Apr 2006
Posts: 346

Display Name: Hugh Morris
PostPosted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can I just reassure Clara that Kelly's pussy is fine.

Gaz the cat is still unwell.

There are no giving the finger smilies to post for Ian but thanks for the above anyway Rolling Eyes
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Lady Clara


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Boggwoppit wrote:
Can I just reassure Clara that Kelly's pussy is fine.


Hurrah! Very Happy

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Lisa WTS-Collins


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Joined: 11 Apr 2006
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Location: NGG Midlands (North west)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hope tha the CAT is better soon.








How I avoided falling into the smutwagon I dunno....

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Gaz


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lisa WTS-Collins wrote:
How I avoided falling into the smutwagon I dunno....


It's how you ever managed to fight your way up from the bottom of it and climb out in the first place that's intriguing me! Grin

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Stacey


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 8:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gaz wrote:
Lisa WTS-Collins wrote:
How I avoided falling into the smutwagon I dunno....


It's how you ever managed to fight your way up from the bottom of it and climb out in the first place that's intriguing me! Grin


ROFLMAO!

sorry Lisa! Laughing
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Kelz


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Joined: 23 Apr 2006
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Location: London
Display Name: Kelz
PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 3:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone that asked after Tiddles!

Big tut to everyone who went for the obvious gag, that means you Hugh!!! Laughing

Tablet course is finished now, both Hugh and myself sustained only minor injuries. Tiddles is back to her usual self.

What the fat cat doesn't know yet is that her diet starts monday.... god help us!!!!
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