Sproutlore Symbol
 
The Sproutlore Forum is now closed, and no longer accepting new messages. Please try our new forum at The Order of the Golden Sprout.
Real Toot
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Sproutlore Forum Index -> SpoutMore
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:28 pm    Post subject: Real Toot Reply with quote

A man calling himself Satan sat next to me on the train last Wednesday. He told me the most extraordinary story about rabbits living in a Warren and having to move because of man. Now, I'm not one to criticise, nor imply that the current Prince of Darkness is a little out of touch, but I had to say something. I could see the faces of the other people on the train, who'd listened to this guy talking, imploring me to keep quiet. The man's fingers were drumming impatiently on the armrests of his seat as he told this tale, and the smouldering burns he left with his fingertips were quietly disturbing all around.
Not one to let a man walk around and be a fool, I felt it my duty to speak out.
"Excuse me, can I just interrupt a second?" There was no going back.
His red flaming eyes regarded me hoplessly, the emotional tears of sulphur still rolling down his red cheeks were glinting in the light.
"Uh?" he sniffed, wiping snot from his nose, blazing a trail along his suited arm. He'd recounted a specific moment of rabbit death, and it was really hitting him hard.
"You know the story you're telling," I continued relentlessly, "Well, we've all seen it, and we all cried too, so there's nothing to get upset about, its old, its done."
He looked around at all the passengers with an expression of bewilderment, his story of the rabbits, his link to human emotion, had been taken away by my cruel interruption. Other passengers visibly moved away in their seats.
"H-have you all seen this story before?" asked the Lord of Hades, quietly and with fear.
"No, no," shrieked all the passengers, with vigorous shakings of head and neck, "Never heard of it." said another.
I was furious with their cowardice, and annoyed at the simple emotional nature of Satan. It wasn't right. We were all supposed to be against darkness, and stand up for the light. Here we all were, humankind on a train, on Wednesday morning, humouring the Devil. I ask you!
Well I was going to go it alone. "You're out of touch mate," I began, to the inward gasps of the passengers, "So out of touch. Rabbits die everyday, even cartoon ones on the telly. You should be stronger, more emotionally stable. Not concern yourself with the lives of make-believe rabbits. It's mankind you should be bothered about." I was on a roll.
"Leave him alone to his rabbits." shouted a fellow passenger.
"Yeah, let him be if wants to get upset." came another.
"Don't you lot understand?" I shouted, "He's the Prince of Darkness, he should be practising all manner of evil deeds upon us and reigning fire and brimestone. Not crying over fucking rabbits!". I was aghast at their naivety, and shocked at Satan's emotional and uncharacteristic turmoil.
He looked up at me with his sad eyes and runny, firey, nose. "I want to go home and I can't remember where I live." There was silence. Slowly, everybody began to relax back into their seats. A sense of understanding had come over the carriage, the stakes, high though they might have been, were not yet lost. I could pull this one back for mankind.
"I know where you live." I said loudly, "I can help you."
"You can?" his voice brightened at this. "You can tell me what my job is, I've been on this train for so many years, I can't remember much, except for the rabbits, I remember the rabbits, at the pictures, and the fire afterward. All those people screaming."
Again silence.
"You are the Prince of..."
I was hit on the side of the head by a flying, and rather heavy, briefcase. That's what the accident report said. I woke up in casualty and had seven stitches in my forehead. A policeman was waiting to talk to me, wanting to know if would file a complaint. "Against who?" I asked.
"I've got thirty two names in my notebook, all said they threw the briefcase at you on the train at the time specified." He was expressionless and blunt. He seemed unsurprised at the amount of offenders coming forward.
"Oh..err" I was jolted slightly, and alarmed. "No, no charges, its fine."
"Suits me." said the officer, "Bleedin paperwork alone would take two shifts." and he strode off jauntily, talking into his radio.
I came out of the hospital that afternoon, phoned work to tell them what had happened. They were fine, said they'd see me in a few days, and get some rest. I never mentioned the burning figure I was seated next to that morning. I couldn't.
Friday morning, I got on the train to go to work. It was the same train, I noticed the gum on the handrails was still there, from some spotty youth at some point, making his statement no doubt, against Wrigleys or some other chewy conglomerate. As ever, everybody avoided holding the handrails, and gradually seats became available as our journey progressed into the heart of the Capital.
I sat there thinking about the Wednesday morning events, going over it in my head, which still smarted from the stitches. Everybody was normal and calm today, no fear no sulphur.
The train pulled in at Tooting Broadway, twelve stops before my own. The usual shuffle got on and off.
Off we went.
In the carriage a little further down I heard a man crying. Someone was talking very soothingly to the crying voice. I listened.,
"It's all right, you cry." It was a women's voice. "They all go to bunny heaven you know, that's right you think of that, it'll make you better."
I could smell the faint aroma of sulphur. I looked up to see if it was him. I couldn't believe my eyes. Everybody in the carriage had their briefcases raised and aimed in my direction.

The Prince of Darkness rides the Northern line every day, all day. He gets off at Mornington Crescent. He gets on again at Tooting Broadway. He only travels in one direction. Everybody who takes that journey knows this. Everybody wants it to stay that way. If you meet him, don't ask him about anything but rabbits. Lives depend on it.


GOD

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Scouse Elvis


Club Member
Joined: 10 Apr 2006
Posts: 288
Location: Liverpool
Display Name: Scouse Elvis
PostPosted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

GOD, can you change the title to 'Real Long Toot' Razz
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cheeky, I was just doing my homage to the old days of lengthy toot. Ooh ooh can we have a story section for nonsense 1000 word postings. Can we! can we? Pleeeeeeeese!!!!!!!???? Eek Eek Eek Eek Eek ?
_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Monkey_boy



Joined: 12 Apr 2006
Posts: 29
Location: Sing Sing
Display Name: Monkster
PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hooray for really really long toot! Very Happy
Twas rather good that Smile

_________________
I'm too bad for Heaven and Hell is afraid i'll take over.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
fourpints


Club Member
Joined: 16 Mar 2006
Posts: 195
Location: Detroit, Michigan USA
Display Name: Fourpints
PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remember the good old days when the mercury was full of toot. Real toot that is, none of your plastic fake wanna be toot
_________________
http://www.fourpints.com
the new blog!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wasn't...was I? Buggered if I know what it was or is.
Write some stuff for toot.
Here's a recent one;
I'll never for get the time I was having my wisdom teeth out. I remember the pre-med and vaguely drifitng off. The next thing I recall is getting off the Theatre table whilst the various surgeons and what not were preparing themselves. I ambled quite calmly to the door and ventured off to get a coffee. I recall thinking quite clearly, that they'd come and fetch me when they were ready to start. I found the vending machine amidst a waiting room full of people. My operation was a morning one, so this waiting room had quite a large crowd in it. I realised I had no change. A hospital guard sat beside the machines and he was smiling at me. Big African man he was with a blue shirt and isignia on his chest. I remember thinking that the colours weren't right.
"You aint needing any change." he said, "S'free, all free."
I wasn't spooked or anything, I just kept thinking that if I didn't get my drink soon, the Doctors would be coming to put me back into Theatre.
I took my coffee, I remember it being hot on the fingers through the plastic cup. I turned to see queue had formed behind me. Twelve people all lined up for a drink, all wearing theatre gowns with their arses showing out the back. I took my drink back to theatre and stood outside, sipping it becuase it was too hot. A few people dressed in similar gowns walked past, smiling as they went. I put my cup down on a table by the door and gently pushed it open to see what was happening. Somebody behind me said "You want to wait until they've finished, then you can go in."
I never bothered to look to see who it was, too cliche, and at this point I was aware that my life was in their hands and this was my waiting game. I didn't care, the pre-med was still circulating around my bloodstream, my whole self was un-bothered. I sat there for nearly two hours, passing conversation with various people who went past.
Eventually I felt I needed to go see what was taking them. As I walked toward the Operating Theatre, I suddenly had this feeling at the back of my mind that I wasn't me anymore, I'd waited too long in the corridor. I couldn't even remember my name. It was odd because it didn't seem to bother me very much. When I got to just outside the door, I turned to survey the receding corridor. In a flash, the walls blew away, and everybody across the hospital suddenly became visible to me. In every direction I could see people in beds,talking, eating, operating and sitting on the toilet. I looked a little closer and I could see beyond the hospital to the main road and offices. I could see they had no walls either. My eysight grew incredible, I merely had to focus like a zoom lense and everbody in that direction became visible. For a while I couldn't believe it.
Then the strangest and most wonderful thing happened, I could tell everything about the person I saw.
I cast my eyes over the countryside and beyond to the sea, passing over more humans. I was skimming over the ocean, like a camera. I saw boats, the men in them, I saw harbours, shoreline another continent. New lives I raced passed and through them, picking up tidbits of information. I was aware I was still standing in my gown by the theatre door.
My vison flew on and on, through more buildings, houses and countrysides. I was searching, atleast I felt I was. I was searching for the most important person I could find. I knew he was out there, I could feel it. The sky grew dark, I was on the other side of the planet, I could see the moon and stars, I looked up at the stars for just an instant and heard voices from so far away, but I knew they were there and would always be, I set my sights back on earth.
ALong the planet peoples features had changed, many were dreaming, I could see their dreams, their fantasies. I moved ever onward and picked up speed, still seeing with absolute clarity. Within seconds the sky was light again. I could feel the presence of the being I sought, nearer. I raced over the landscape, the light was brightening. I knew everyone I touched in an instant.
I saw him in the distance, racing toward me, standing still in his gown in the hospital looking the other way. He was the most important being on the planet, he was half awake and yet sleeping. He was GOD, he was me, he had no name to speak of. In that moment I was born. I tapped him on the shoulder and spoke his name.


I wandered into the operating theatre, noticed they were still scrubbing up, or so it seemed. So I got back on the bed. I must have dozed off, because I remember waking up in the hospital ward. My teeth ached.
I dragged myself of to the drinks machine once more a little later on. The big African guy was still sitting there. I had some change this time and noticed it wasn't free anymore. I was a bit disgruntled, so I said to the guy, "Tasted better when it was free." as a joke of course.
"S'only free if you're in Theatre, and you is out now." He smiled once more and I went back to bed. Could I remember my name, could I buggery. So I picked one, just for now.

GOD

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was looking through the MOD report on UFO phenomenon just the other day, before we chucked out into the public domain. The guy thats up for extradition to the States for hacking into NASA and the Military Defense records in the US had it right. He claimed to know about the various places where Shuttle photos and hubble shots were being screened for airbrushing etc. Our MOD guy who wrote this report was actually twelve different people.
What was released to the press is the Precis of the report, which doesn't allow for context within each area. Had you read the report wholly and thoroughly, glaring inconsistences with the style and wording would be immediately obvious. In short, the results are tailored for the ultimate in interpretation. For example, quote "No evidence exists to suggest that the phenomena seen are hostile or under any type of control, other than that of natural physical forces." Oh, so they are normal natural occurances? Read it again, this time think of the word control. Natural Physical forces are what we use to power planes, trains and automobiles, energy is a natural physical force....the writer is trying to tell us something else, the MOD haven't thought to censor. I spent years researching evidence and have always found the resuts to be positive and true. Just can't tell you.

GOD

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SamHayden



Joined: 08 May 2006
Posts: 109
Location: Brighton or Chepstow
Display Name: Sam Hayden
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

On topic of that first toot.
The Devil - Only one book ever written that he features in and the author immediately announced that he (Satan) was an ex-tenant of his. He mentions throwing him out over some fruit related mishap involving some naturists.
The poor guy now finds himself homeless. To make things worse, his ex-landlord writes a book about him that include some further incidents and he even resorts to name-calling (Devil, Wicked One, Lord of the Flies). Truly the worst name he calls him is "Gog of Ma'gog". Now, I am no expert on this but I am guessing that a 'gog' is a piece of human anatomy, with a name like that it can only be one part, and apparently this guy is the 'gog' of some sort of 'ma-gog' (possibly a larger 'gog').

As if that isn't bad enough, the landlord then goes on to threaten the poor chap in the last bit by "casting him into the abyss". I think this means he is going to throw him into a large hole. Not nice at all. I mean, sure, don't give him his deposit back and give him a bad reference but chucking the guy into a hole is a bit OTT.

Most of the story though is the telling of how the landlord sent his son to his death! Now that is alternative fathering techniques to say the least. Did Satan ever do that? No, of course not. What does Satan ever demand? Nothing! What does the landlord demand? Total obedience and no questions asked. Hmmm, looks like in the writing of this book, someone hired a spin doctor worth his weight in gold.

I think I know who the villain is in that piece. But have you ever wondered ... who does all the money go to every time someone buys a copy of the Bible?

_________________
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean.

"Say 'Yes' more." ~ Unknown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 9:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh contentious.. Mag-Gog is referred to in many a poor trnaslation as the Eastern Continent. Russia at one time. Its a Land with a Race...best thing is to put the live version od Genesis's Suppers Ready on....iuts all explained over 22 and a half minutes.


GOD

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SamHayden



Joined: 08 May 2006
Posts: 109
Location: Brighton or Chepstow
Display Name: Sam Hayden
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 9:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well my apologies for any mistakes I may have made.

I really think the devil is a little hard done by. That piece of propoganda doesn't help either.

And, that isn't being in the slightest rude I think, since the bible is propoganda. What else would you call a document that explains how killing a city load of people with a fiery rage is a good thing? Or how sending his own son to his death in a nasty manor is in fact 'an act of unconditional love'? He does sound rather hard. I wonder if God is, in fact, a military man.

_________________
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean.

"Say 'Yes' more." ~ Unknown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 11:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yup, nasty piece of work this fictional God is. Good job he aint real. Well, except on here of course.
I only said Mag-Gog was a reference to a land in a few poor interpretations, doesn't mean its correct. So you're not wrong.
Most of the stories in the Bible are designed to scare anyway. Just religions way of keeping the masses in check back in the annuls of times gone by.

Means nothing now.

G

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SamHayden



Joined: 08 May 2006
Posts: 109
Location: Brighton or Chepstow
Display Name: Sam Hayden
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yup, Big G (as he is also known as) is bit of a grumpy landlord really.

I actually think of him as a landlord rather than a deity.

God pays coucil tax.

_________________
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean.

"Say 'Yes' more." ~ Unknown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

GOD asks for Council tax, atleast I do in my town.

GOD

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SamHayden



Joined: 08 May 2006
Posts: 109
Location: Brighton or Chepstow
Display Name: Sam Hayden
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2006 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bet you God has to pay income tax then.

What is God's job?
I think he is an insurance salesman. They never protect against acts of god so he could just take credit for any accident and then not pay out.

"You fell off a ladder, um, yup, that was me, my devine hand made you fall. Sorry no compo this time."

_________________
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean.

"Say 'Yes' more." ~ Unknown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
COD


Club Member
Joined: 26 Mar 2006
Posts: 788
Location: Heavens Above
Display Name: Paul
PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2006 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

God wouldn't worry about insurance claiments having money...they'd be deads eventually ans so the money would pass to the next of kin, who wuld be dead soon, and so on, and eventually that money and all monies would go back t owhatever State rules and....what am I blathering about, a GOD needs no fiscal inducment. Can have whatever they want. Perh! Rolling Eyes


GOD

_________________
God is in the detail...Or is that still classed as Panspermia..I think it is!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Sproutlore Forum Index -> SpoutMore All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum

Comments posted here are the views of the individual posters and may not represent those of Sproutlore. While Sproutlore can accept no responsibility for content in this section, we will make every effort to deal with complaints fairly and promptly once informed.


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group