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Sprout Worship (ONE)

 
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(signed off forever)



Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 13
PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:39 pm    Post subject: Sprout Worship (ONE) Reply with quote

WHY WORSHIP THE SPROUT?

God is often spoken of as the beginning and end of all things: "I am the Alpha and the Omega". This too applies to the sprout, but in a much less confusing way. The very name "sprout" means a new beginning, and life springing forth where there was none before. As for the end: well, I daresay you know that if any object is compressed to a certain size dependent on its mass, known as its Schwarzchild Radius, it will become a Black Hole - the ultimate end of all things. Well, guess what everyday object the Schwarzchild Radius of the planet Earth is identical to...

A similar mystery is expressed in the Christian story of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Both of these are remembered in Sproutianity. The sprout is a member of the genus cruciferae; and Christians instinctively commemorate the birth of Christ by eating a special meal including sprouts, even though everything you eat at Christmas is supposed to be really yummy, and those lads taste like boiled knickers.

In fact, it isn't going too far to say that Jesus Christ was probably a sprout. Anybody who has read "The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross" will know that there is a very convincing case for saying that "Jesus" was just a codename for the trippy fungi consumed during the original Holy Sacrament. (Why didn't Dan Brown pick up on that one for his stupid novel? "Jesus had a girlfriend" - oh, big deal! "Jesus was actually a hallucinogenic toadstool" - now THAT's an embarrassing secret! And it would make for great visuals in the movie.) Clearly it isn't much of a leap from magic mushrooms to sprouts - and we don't eat psilocybin pies every Christmas, do we? (Well, most of us don't. Unless "Godzilla Vs. the Smog Monster" is on again.)

And incidentally, if the actual flesh of Christ eaten at Holy Communion is supposed to be a sprout, it'll cure you not only of sin, but, according to recent discoveries, cancer. And according to a traditional 17th-century English folk remedy, it'll get rid of your hangover too! How righteous is that?

Hindus and Buddhists both believe that you need to activate something called the "Thousand-Petalled Lotus" in order to achieve enlightenment. Furthermore, if you contemplate this mythical plant for long enough, you will see "the Jewel in the Eye of the Lotus", which symbolises the perfect bliss of Nirvana, which is Nothingness. If you look properly at a real lotus flower, you will see that it has nowhere near 1000 petals; and furthermore, if you pick them off one by one, going "Kuan Yin the Merciful loves me, she loves me not..." (etc.), you will end up with a clump of those little hairy things covered in pollen - not very enlightening! If, on the other hand, you start to peel the layers off a sprout, you will find yet more layers, and beneath them, more layers still - not quite a thousand, but anyway, an impressive number for a tiny vegetable. And when you get to the very middle, you will be left with - nothing!

Meanwhile, over in the Middle East, the Ancient Hebrews were reaching almost identical conclusions. Take a look at the Kabbalistic Tree of Life. It's a sprout plant! All keen sprout-growers know that the only way to harvest the sprouts is to begin at the bottom. As the lower sprouts are removed, more nourishment reaches those higher up, meaning that the final fruits are the plumpest, juiciest, and least appalling tasting of them all. As a learned Rabbi (or even Madonna) progresses up the Sacred Tree of Life, steadily becoming detatched from earthly things in order to attain higher rewards, he is performing the exact spiritual equivalent of harvesting sprouts. Note that in those days, it was strictly forbidden for Jews to make accurate pictorial representations of anything, hence the very stylised diagram we see today. But if you compare the shape to a well-maintained sprout plant, you'll see exactly what I mean.

Which means, of course, that the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge wasn't an apple but a sprout. A staggeringly big one, to be sure, but this was the Garden of Eden. "There were giants in the Earth in those days." And that included sprouts. The Serpent, by the way, was obviously an equally overgrown and unusually eloquent larva of the cabbage root fly - still the curse of sprout-fanciers to this day!

Oh, and that burning bush that Moses had a chat with? Obviously a sprout plant. Moses, being a Middle Eastern desert nomad, presumably wasn't too familiar with such flora, and mistook its resplendent yellow flowers for flames, so it wasn't burning at all. Which is obvious when you think about it - would you talk in a "still, small voice" if your head was on fire? Unfortunately, Moses was almost immediately decoyed by an impostor pretending to be God - notice how every other Old Testament God manifestation is very thundrous and shouty and overbearing. And the fuss "God" makes about that Golden Calf business is a dead giveaway! Clearly that incident has been misreported - the Golden Calf is obviously an ahead-of-its-time posh restaurant founded by Jamie Oliver in a previous incarnation in a desperate attempt to get the Israelites interested in sprouts, as opposed to all that "Thou Shalt NOT..." schtick.

Meanwhile, back in China, all those Buddhists, who had gotten thoroughly confused by that lotus business, and had somehow become convinced that in order to achieve Nirvana, you had to Become One With The Universe, when all you really had to become one with was a sprout. The Universe is approximately 30,000,000,000 light-years in diameter - and that's just the bit we can see from here! A sprout is approximately one inch in diameter.

HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON

The Sacred Order of the Golden Sprout needs YOU!
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deackie


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Joined: 26 Mar 2006
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Location: Kent
Display Name: Sarah
PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Otto, I think you're truly fabulous and just the man to lead us into enlightement. Smile [I don't like this new 'smile', looks rather sinister] Smile [that's much better]

If I choose to follow Otto, does that make me an evil sidekick?

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dex


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Joined: 14 Apr 2006
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Location: The Swamps of Middle England
PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 3:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Deakie is side show bob!

i for one will follow any religion with Deakie in it

Roll Eyes


And Count, i am meaning to get back to you about the brentford photo's!

Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Thumbs Up

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(signed off forever)



Joined: 11 Apr 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello deackie - I'm afraid I can't remember whether we've met (the photo isn't terribly helpful), but I must point out that being an "evil sidekick", as opposed to merely a henchperson or acolyte, is a great honour, and carries great responsibility, therefore the job requirements are rather hard to meet. However, the position is currently vacant, so perhaps you could let me know whether you qualify? You have to be at least one (and preferrably all) of the following:

a) a homicidal Eastern European lesbian

b) a necrophiliac hunchback who eats spiders

c) equipped with at least one prosthetic body part that can be used as a weapon and/or enables you to fly

d) a clairvoyant virgin (NOT one or the other - you have to do this properly!)

e) back from the dead, ideally with improvements (functional, not cosmetic)

f) significantly taller than I am (which is 6'7")

g) a kick-boxing ninja acrobat and part-time exotic dancer

h) a demon (any species, though succubi will be given preference)

i) capable of killing people from quite a long way away with seemingly harmless items of your normal everyday clothing

j) Billie Piper

I look forward to hearing from you, and in the absence of any serious applications from 9-foot-tall undead ninja lesbians, you may be in with a very good chance. In fact, I can tell you that the only applicants I have had so far are an incredibly irritating dog who has been out of a job since Dick Dastardly found Jesus, a one-legged bloke in a loincloth who really came to audition for the Tarzan movie next door (and made a most alarming and unwelcome offer concerning "toffee apple impersonations"), some bloke in a Superman costume covered in sick, and bloody Danbury Collins, who tried to exorcise me! You just can't get the sidekicks like you used to...
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Deep Black


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Display Name: Andi
PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You certainly met Deckie at the 1st large, possible elsewhere.

Here she is: (on the right obviously)


http://www.alpha17.myby.co.uk/galleries/showpic.cgi?g=05&p=24

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Janet


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Location: Flint, Michigan, USA
PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh! I want the job! I fit one of the criteria, but I'm not telling which one. I also possess contempt for all humanity and an unwavering belief in my own superiority, which I admit are more the traits of a supervillain than an evil sidekick, but it can't hurt.

Besides, Deackie's obviously unsuited because she doesn't like the sinister smile. Anyone truly suited for villainous work would want to look sinister. Twisted Evil

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Lady Clara


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Janet wrote:
Ooh! I want the job! I fit one of the criteria, but I'm not telling which one. I also possess contempt for all humanity and an unwavering belief in my own superiority, which I admit are more the traits of a supervillain than an evil sidekick, but it can't hurt.

Besides, Deackie's obviously unsuited because she doesn't like the sinister smile. Anyone truly suited for villainous work would want to look sinister. Twisted Evil



g) a kick-boxing ninja acrobat and part-time exotic dancer

Too easy!

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deackie


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Display Name: Sarah
PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Otto, we most certainly have met. Here's the proof, you're sat next to me http://www.alpha17.myby.co.uk/galleries/showpic.cgi?g=11&p=13

Quote:
Besides, Deackie's obviously unsuited because she doesn't like the sinister smile. Anyone truly suited for villainous work would want to look sinister


My true talent is that I don't look evil. People who look evil can be spotted a mile away and their nefarious schemes nipped in the bud by some do-gooding super hero type. No-one suspects the sweetly smiling, innocent looking little blonde. It's such an out-dated stereo-type that evil people are always brunettes.

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Exodus III


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Joined: 26 Mar 2006
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Display Name: Andy
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooooh, ooh, ooooh.

Can I play?

Hench person 'll do for me, I have no experience to speak of - but I'm a quick learner and a keen worker, willing to do what it takes to work my way up to the top of the axis of evil....

...which I guess means I will be dead prety soon.... Sad
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