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Religion & Sprouts - FAQs

 
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:53 pm    Post subject: Religion & Sprouts - FAQs Reply with quote

(I thought I'd start a new one because the first thread is now 3 pages long and getting extremely unwieldy...)

Sproutism does indeed have beliefs as well as questions: I have laid out some of the basic ones in a previous post. However, fatwahs and so on will probably not be necessary, since the basic tenet of sprout worship is that all other religions have for various reasons mistaken the One True Sprout for various other things - very large invisible bearded Jewish bloke, very large invisible bearded Nordic bloke with a hammer, very large invisible Indian bloke with no beard but 6 arms and a trunk, very large invisible Arabian bloke who may or may not have a beard, but you can't tell because every time anybody tries to draw a picture of him they get murdered, etc. etc. etc.

None of which, when you think about it, are any more absurd than worshipping a sprout. Actually, that's almost certainly why quite a few religions are strangely reluctant to draw pictures of God - they're in denial about the fact that He looks very silly indeed unless you just give up and draw a sprout. Clearly these poor unfortunates (about 6,000,000,000 of them at last count) should be helped, not condemned. Because if you declare a fatwah, you have to put up at least $1,000,000 bounty, everybody says you're a rotten medieval fundamentalist bastard, and anyway, they're rubbish - if these Islamists are so scary, how come Salman Rushdie isn't dead yet, eh? Whereas if you selflessly offer to help the misguided multitudes towards the true path of righteousness, think of all the badges and prayer cloths and Sprout Bibles and packets of holy seeds and limited edition huge ceramic sprouts that can be used as a teapot etc. etc. etc. you can flog to them!

Regarding breakaway sects and alliances, clearly any Elvis-based religion must have ties with Sproutism, since Elvis and Barry (Peace Be Upon Him) were comrades in arms (though I understand that hardline Presleyites regard those particular Good Books as heretical and blasphemous). Doubtless schisms may arise withing the church, but I daresay that most of them will be of the nature of textual disputes. For instance, basic Sproutism declares that the Brentford Trilogy, especially Part 2, are the True Gospel, though obviously meant to be read allegorically; and there may be disputes as to whether the two prequels are Gospels or merely Apocrypha. Other sects may prefer the Armageddon Trilogy, simply because it's got a hell of a lot more about sprouts in it. Or any book featuring Barry. Or anything with "sprout" actually in the title, whether or not it's actually about sprouts at all.

However, since all of these works spring from the pen of Robert Rankin (by the way, Robert may be seen in his pen at the Circus Fantastique, biting the heads off live chickens), it's not a fundamental dispute, so we don't have to kill each other. Personally I believe that one of the most profound mysteries in the entire canon is the Rapture of Small Dave. If even a vindictive grudge-bearing wee bastard can be conveyed bodily to Heaven through the infinite compassion of the SproutHead, then who can possibly be described as beyond redemption? (Apart from me, obviously.) Though doctrinal questions do arise when we bear in mind that Small Dave eventually returned, completely unreformed, and indeed worse - he never used to have that willy-biting habit... Well, that's religion for you!

But anyway: who does the Sproutlore badges? Especially the fancy enamel ones. Could we get a quote on Golden Sprout insignia? Possibly actually gold-plated. And this is probably a long shot, but is there anywhere you can get life-size inflatable camels filled with helium? Anyway, we must have badges! And a virtual church should be fairly doable - is there a software package for designing interiors of this nature? A dungeony one would do fine if it was slightly tweaked to look more cathedral-like. And if we felt like adding a veneer of respectability, I'm sure I've heard of a charity that rescues near-extinct archaic vegetables from oblivion - maybe we could sponsor an endangered Tudor sprout or something...?

BARRY LOVES YOU!

(T-shirts coming soon)
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fourpints


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Question:

would the phrase.."IN BOB WE TRUST" be acceptable?

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dex


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Joined: 14 Apr 2006
Posts: 153
Location: The Swamps of Middle England
PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

why not go the whole hog and have the religion tiered like a sprout, fundamentalistic types can be the outer leaves while the more holly inclined can have a more centralised domain buried deep in amongst the mirriad of vegeatation?

and we could choose to bury our dead deep in the compost heap, that way we can feed the godly kind with our very caranate flesh once we've done with it.

but i think we still need to focus our attention upon The Commandments of Barry or CoB's

Do we know Barry's birth date?

Elvis, in my opinion - and this may cause a certain amount of disagreement - was only a Prophet, the first obviously, but 'still' and 'only' a Prphet. As was Lazlo Woodbine. As far as i can recall there were only the two Prophets, who each walked and spoke personally with The Lord and held his sacred councel. Hallowed shall be their teachings, but break away sects? Barry would be turning in his pot at the thought.

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